Community Is A Human Need

We cannot deny how critical it is to have reciprocal relationships in our lives. Loneliness is a danger to our health – just as bad as smoking cigarettes. We were born into, live within, and die within a network of relationships that shape our entire lives. 

As these relationships are being replaced by technologically interfaced interactions and Artificial Intelligence, we have to consider how out-sourcing connection is a real threat to the health of the individual and the sustainability of community itself. 

Yes, technology like online shopping saves time, but the time saved is also human interactions lost. 

When I worked as a cashier in a grocery store, I learned valuable skills. I learned how to navigate different conversations, communicate with people different from myself, and find common ground if only for a moment in my day. I would interact with hundreds of different people of different ages during my shift, and that experience continues to serve me in my life today. 

I learned what it was like to be on the other side of the till, and now as a customer, I know how to bring a sense of connection and camaraderie into that short, financial exchange.

I have learned, even as I shifted away from customer service and towards consulting, that the human interactions we have in a day are incredibly valuable. 

After moving to a new city to finish my master’s degree, I didn’t know anyone. I had moved in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, and my classes were held virtually at the time. Despite interacting with classmates through a computer screen, most of them did not live in the same city I lived in. It was a lonely time for me. 

Yet, being able to go to the grocery store or the post office and truly engage with the staff there would always brighten my day. Even a short two-minute conversation would help me feel more alive and content, far beyond the timespan of that conversation. 

Simultaneously, as I dove into my public health degree and later as I began to work in climate adaptation, I saw firsthand that establishing relationships and a sense of community were foundational and non-negotiable parts of successful programming. 

Any service or program, regardless of what it seeks to achieve, is only successful if we are also addressing the deeply human need to feel seen, respected, and valued. 

Any program, initiative, or intervention requires that we first root into and seek to build a sense of community. 

When Community Turns Sour

Still, we have always seen how the mindsets of individuals within a community can alter the value, success, and mindset of the overall community. 

For example, if you are hired into a toxic workplace that is incredibly competitive, unfulfilling, or apathetic, it is far more likely that the workplace will change you than that you will be able to change that workplace. 

Similarly, there are many communities out there that still meet the human need for connection, but in a way that nurtures destructive tendencies or habits. 

We see this in some gaming communities that are incredibly racist or rooted in toxic masculinity. These communities perpetuate harmful ideas about women, racial minorities, and other marginalized groups. When young and impressionable people, often young men, are exposed to this hateful rhetoric, they can be easily swayed into seeing these ideas as normal or correct. Unchecked, the young and impressionable audience will take these ideas and beliefs into their life and further be drawn into other communities that echo these destructive narratives. 

I have also witnessed firsthand how communities that develop within certain establishments, such as a local bar, can not only keep people within destructive cycles but also draw others into those same cycles. I lived that experience. While doing the work to complete my master’s, I began to frequent a local bar in my neighbourhood. I did make friends there who I still cherish, but I began to adopt habits that threatened my well-being and began to derail the plans I had for myself. 

I needed to remove myself from that community to choose a new path – the path that I am on now. I do not think I would have been able to dive into consulting and community-building the way I have if I did not leave a community that normalized unhealthy and dangerous ideas around substance use and what relationships should look like. 

While it is true that community and relationships are a human need, we also have a radical personal responsibility to choose our values, actions, and growth. 

Leaving A Community For Personal Growth

If we are born or accepted into communities that do not support these ideals, it is still our personal responsibility to make a different choice. If we do not take radical responsibility for our growth and healing, we will consistently join or attract communities built on wounding, misaligned values, fear, and hopelessness. 

When I entered such a community, I had just ended a long-term relationship and was feeling very lost in my own life. I was also becoming desperate for connection because while I did enjoy talking to staff at the post office, I didn’t need to mail packages every couple of days. It was during the COVID-19 pandemic and attempts to establish friendships with classmates beyond class hours were limited. So, when I found a bar that had a sense of community and began dating a man who could facilitate access to this community, it was easy for me to compromise my values in exchange for that sense of belonging.

I share this to emphasize the fact that I do sympathize with anyone who has found themselves slipping into a community/relationship/friendship that meets the need for connection while not actually serving our highest good.

This community that I had joined did not serve my highest good. I neglected my health. I lost connection to my passion for what I was learning and the work I was doing. I stopped reading, writing, and creating. I told myself that it was absolutely okay if I stopped growing and learning – hadn’t I already done enough of that?

And what was the result of that?

I began apathetic, burnt out, overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. The relationship I had entered was built on misaligned values, and when that became impossible to ignore, there was consistent conflict. 

I knew that to choose myself again – my authentic values, healing, and the discomfort of loneliness – would mean to end that relationship and move away from that community. 

Making that choice wasn’t easy, but eventually, it was a choice I needed to make. 

The healing journey after ending that relationship was also not easy. I was required to confront the part of myself that had attracted me to that community in the first place. I faced my fear of loneliness and rejection. I began to understand how doubting my own self-worth drew me to a place where there weren’t expectations of how I should live my life or what goals I should achieve.

And in this healing journey, I felt very alone. 

Yes, I was surrounded by family. Yes, I had friends who I could speak to. But that sense of community was gone, and the growth I was undergoing was uncomfortable and lonely. Even when I spoke to my loved ones, many did not understand the depth of the transformation I needed to go through.

I still don’t know if I can say that I am on the other side. Growth is a lifelong pursuit after all. However, I can say that I would not trade a moment of the discomfort that I navigated over the past year. Where I stand today has been absolutely worth the uncertainty of leaving what I once knew to step into the person I am becoming. 

Radical Responsibility As An Individual 

I am not alone in having a story where I had to leave a community where I felt accepted to choose new values and standards for myself. Many of the people I look up to throughout history have made similar choices. 

I have always found comfort in the fact that it was through their growth and through navigating the discomfort of change that they were able to find communities that aligned with their values. It was in those communities that they found – not the ones they were born or slipped into – that they were able to make lasting differences and impacts in the world around them. 

It’s not that we need to leave community and navigate the world alone. 

However, we each have a radical responsibility as an individual to develop a personal understanding of what is important to us. When we know what is important to us, we have the radical responsibility of stepping into the unknown and finding a community that aligns with those core values. 

If we want a community built on acceptance, security, and love, we first need to learn how to cultivate acceptance, security, and love within ourselves. If we want a community full of creativity and exploration, we need to become comfortable being creative and exploring the inner workings of ourselves. If we want honesty, integrity, diversity, and authenticity around us, first we must learn how to embody those values. 

This is exactly why community building and personal growth are inherently connected.

We can only meet others as deeply as we have met ourselves. The psychologist, Carl Jung, was a significant advocate for personal discovery and self-awareness. He saw others around us as a mirror for what it is within ourselves. If we doubt our ability to succeed at our goals, we will enter communities where that doubt is supported and validated. If we hold emotional reactivity within ourselves, we will enter relationships where that emotional reactivity is normalized. 

If we are self-centred or fearful, our communities will mirror back to us this selfishness and fear.

The flip side of this is if we want to live in supportive, healed, and nourishing communities, we must begin to do that work first within ourselves. We must be willing to confront the parts of ourselves that are scared of rejection – the parts of ourselves that doubt our self-worth – the parts of ourselves that react like an overwhelmed child. By facing, loving, and processing these areas of pain, we can begin to develop mindfulness about our reactions and choose instead actions that align with our values.

For myself, I have worked hard to embody values of honesty, integrity, love, growth, creativity, and appreciation for the diversity of existence. Doing that has meant learning to be honest with myself, act with integrity, love the different parts of me, nourish my creativity, and allow for the diverse emotions and experiences to exist within myself. From there, I can value these in others around me. I can attract and enter communities where these values are mirrored back to me.

Personal Growth Doesn’t Need To Be Lonely, But Only We Can Walk The Path Of Our Personal Growth

My healing journey was lonely at times. I knew I was healing wounds that even if I explained them to others, they may not understand. So, I kept this journey mostly to myself. I relied on journalling and personal reflection, occasionally sharing insights with those I felt I could be most vulnerable with. 

As I began to heal, I felt more comfortable sharing insights with more people. As I judged myself less, I became less scared of being judged by others. 

There are still parts of this journey that I will likely never share because it was an intensely personal process. It was also a path I knew I had to walk alone, even with my loved ones cheering me on from the sidelines.

There exists a paradox in personal growth. 

On one hand, it is a singular process. Only we can choose that journey and embody those changes. Others may guide or support us, but all the advice or self-help books in the world won’t make a difference if we are unwilling to incorporate that insight into our actions.

On the other hand, the community we are a part of can make or break this process. A supportive community – whether that be a family, workplace, or group of friends – can help us navigate the turbulence of this growth with love and compassion. It is when we are loved unconditionally that many of us can find the courage to delve into this process. Unfortunately, many are part of communities that don’t support this growth – some may even attack or ostracize those who choose this path, often because they are seeing their own need for growth and change reflected. Those of us in these communities will often reach a point where we need to leave that community and enter the path entirely on our own. 

I have made that choice, and I know it is a difficult choice to make. 

However, having made it to the other side, I can also say that this conscious choice to unpack inner wounding and choose values that are aligned with the life you want to live is sure to attract a community that supports your growth and well-being. 

It is worth every moment of loneliness to reach that other side. 

Choosing The Growth Path: Vibrant Systems Can Help

At Vibrant Systems, I don’t believe you need to do this alone.

Having walked this path and firmly believing in the necessity of healed and authentic communities, I specialize in navigating these processes on an individual and community level. 

My consultation services, informed by my personal and professional experience, are rooted in the idea that healing is possible together. I bring my emotional intelligence with me into every room, ensuring I can help navigate conflicts, disagreements, and divisive topics with compassion and awareness. From climate adaptation to reconciliation, I know the first step to finding a collaborative solution is ensuring all the voices around the table are heard.

I also growth can happen on parallel paths, and it is often easier to take the first step when you know you are not walking alone. My Value Integration & Exploration Workshops (VIEW) are designed to help a community, whether that be a workplace, town, or organization, navigate the first steps of exploring personal values alignment. If your community wishes to make grounded and inspired choices even in the midst of chaotic times, VIEW offers the compass you need to direct your choices. 

For a limited time only in June 2025, I am offering free VIEW webinars to give just a taste of why values alignment should be a critical part of your organization’s functioning. 

Register today on Eventbrite. 

Finally, for those who aren’t part of a growth-oriented community or project but understand that they need to prioritize their values alignment, I now offer 1-on-1 Coaching services. Using a variety of tools, I walk the parallel path to your personal growth journey, so you can be empowered to make the choices you already know you need to make. 

Visit www.vibrantsystems.ca/services to see the full extent of my services or get in touch today.